While You Were Studying: The Golden Globes Edition

While you were probably Dean’s Date cramming this Sunday night, I spent three hours watching rich famous people give other rich famous people golden statues. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t learn anything. So here’s my cheat sheet with the ten biggest things I “learned” from watching the Golden Globes.

10. Nerves are contagious: Jennifer Lawrence set the tone, accepting the first award of the night for best supporting actress in American Hustle. In her trademark jittery-Jennifer-style, she was a nervous wreck, running off the stage playfully shouting, “don’t ever do this again!”  But Jennifer, (and yes we’re on a first name basis now), what would awards season be without you raking in the gold and exploding the Internet? Nerves rippled through the night as the first half of the show saw some lingering, expletive-filled, speeches (congrats Elizabeth Moss but clean it up, okay?). Luckily, in true Golden Globes style, the liquor was flowing and the show loosened up, cause Vodka fixes everything, right?

9. Judy Garland was “plied” with barbiturates: Cate Blanchett’s Xanex-filled housewife edged out Sandra Bullock’s astronaut for lead actress in a drama, making the Oscar race between the duo that much tighter. But the real take away from Blanchett’s slur-filled speech came when she thanked her agent for “plying” her with Vodka through the night like Judy Garland’s barbiturate pushing agents. Cause, you know, Garland died of a barbiturate overdose, which is what she was referring to in that . . . joke? Also while we’re on the topic of who holds their liquor best . . . .

8. Invite Emma Thomson to your next dinner party: The Saving Mr. Banks star threw back her martini and stumbled on stage clutching her shoes while presenting for a category I don’t even remember because I was too busy admiring “the voice of God.” Yeah, did I mention Thomson also proclaimed herself the voice of God before leaving the stage?

7. Andy Samberg still has a show on Fox: So, there’s this show that exists on FOX called Brooklyn-9-9 that beat out Modern Family, Parks and Rec, and The Big Bang Theory, basically all the best comedies on air right now. Andy Samberg also won the Globe for his work on the comedy series, where he plays some form of zany police detective. I’ll give any show a chance, but four episodes into this series, filled with smug antics and tired cop stereotypes, I had to pull the plug, but the Hollywood Foreign Press knows best, right?

6. Woody Allen does the most: Allen was the recipient this year of the Cecil B DeMille award, an award I’m not going to pretend I know anything about other than the fact that it must be a big deal if Woody’s getting it. He of course never goes to award shows, with tonight being no different. So, the lovely Diane Keaton accepted on his behalf, giving a speech where she praised the filmmaker, then did a lot of cussing, and then burst into song. But she did point out that the man has made 74 movies in the past 48 years, so you stay home Woody! You deserve the rest.

5. The more sequins the better your odds: Behind the Candelabra swept the miniseries and made-for-TV movie awards, crowning Michael Douglas as best actor for his spot-on portrayal of Liberace in another do-no-wrong HBO movie. Each year HBO kills it in this category (remember last year’s Mildred Pierce, starring the incredible Kate Winslet, or Temple Grandin three-years ago, featuring Claire Danes and all her crazy goodness?). While accepting his award, Douglas praised co-star Matt Damon, who was nominated in the same category for playing Liberace’s troubled lover. Douglas claimed that the only reason Damon didn’t win was that his costume didn’t have enough sequins, cause frankly it takes gold to win gold.

4. The Amy’s know how to give speeches: The two best speeches of the night came from the Amy’s—Adams and Poehler respectively. Halfway through the show, Adams won the Globe for best actress in a motion picture comedy for her portrayal of the re-inventive Sydney Prosser in American Hustle (Read all about it!). She took the stage and, unlike her co-star Jennifer, kept her composure, giving a heart-felt and appreciative speech. She didn’t even fluster when the music tried to play her off stage! Later that night, Poehler took home a well-deserved Globe for her work on Parks and Rec, giving an earnest and genuine speech where she thanked her children whom she called her “double ‘A’ batteries.” Both actresses have racked up the nominations, but this year marks a first, as they finally get the praise they deserve.

3. Aaron Paul says it best: Breaking Bad finished its last year at the Globes finally taking home wins for both Bryan Cranston and best drama series. Of course, the room lit up when Vince Gilligan and the crew took the stage, but the highlight was Aaron Paul sending off the show with one last—Yeah, bitch!!!

2. Jordan Catalano’s going to win an Oscar: If you don’t know who Jordan Catalano is, this is a lesson for you to brush up on canceled 90’s TV shows. The cult TV icon-turned-rock star, Jared Leto, took home a Globe for his performance in Dallas Buyers Club. Leto plays a transvestite dying of AIDS alongside Matthew McConaughey’s homophobic cowboy who gets diagnosed with HIV (Read more here!). Both actors took home Globes, but while McConaughey delivers a stand out performance, Leto soars above the competition. He brings his character to life with a confidence and vulnerability that is wholly unexpected. Now, if I was a betting man, which I’m not because gambling is bad and against university policy, I’d place all my hypothetical wagers on Leto to pull off that Oscar gold come March 2nd.

1. Never stop Hustling: With award season in full swing and Oscar nominations coming out this Thursday, everyone’s guessing what to expect. On the heels of the Globes, this should be an interesting year. While American Hustle pulled off the most wins at three (two acting trophies and best comedy), the wealth was spread pretty evenly. 12 Years a Slave won best drama, Gravity won best director, Her won best screenplay and the other acting trophies were divvied up between Dallas Buyers Club, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Blue Jasmine. The Globes aren’t the best predictors of the Oscars, but if David O Russell and the gang keep their momentum, they just might be able to hustle their way to the Oscars podium. Now, enough of that, I should probably get back to studying…

Grade: “A-” As drunkenly solid as it gets when it comes to the Globes.

Michael Cummings is a senior in the English and Creative Writing Departments.